I'm not who posted, but it's possible they were thrown a little off by the pacing between lines 5 and 11. For what it's worth, I think the writing is solid, but it might benefit from a little punctuation. I'm going to post a comment under this one to show you my thoughts, but keep in mind that these are only suggestions with the thought that flow COULD be improved. I will not change any of your wording at all. Just pacing edits. 😊