I was so productive. I cleaned the bathroom, I searched for apartments for 3 hours, I vacuumed, I dusted, I cleaned the kitchen, I did laundry. I washed my sheets, I cleaned my emails, I took out the trash, I did my dailies: (Duolingo, mood tracking, journaling, Sudoku, Wordle, sober tracking), and I still made time to socialize with friends, take care of myself, take care of my dog even. After it all, I sit with myself and I take my assessment on how I feel. Not okay. I don't want to be here. I want to go. Do I get permission now? Did I finally earn it? Will I still be labeled? Weak, dramatic, selfish, or a coward? Is it acceptable now that I was productive? Do I qualify for compassion now that I was a useful human? Am I still viewed as a character flaw — like I didn’t fight hard enough? Can I Go